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On August 20th 2011, as Moammar Gadaffi clung desperately to his crumbling evil empire, the Syrian Government intensified its brutal crackdown on dissidence and millions of North Africans languished in one of the worst droughts in recent history, the eyes of the media were fixated on no less than 6 things of even greater significance to mankind: Socialite Kim Kardashian, her wedding dress, her D cups and a pair of gravity defying butt cheeks.

The rise of the 21st century socialite alludes to a troubling fact: we are a bunch of bored mothafuckers. From the glossy pages of fashion and gossip magazines to entertainment online and the occasional playboy cover, these faecal critters continue to pervade popular culture, the mass media, and ultimately, our lives – by feeding on our voyeuristic obsessions.

So what is a socialite? 

Lets break it down: “social – ite”

Wikipedia describes “social” as:  the interaction of organisms with other organisms and to their collective co-existence, irrespective of whether they are aware of it or not, and irrespective of whether the interaction is voluntary or involuntary.

To summarise, “social” essentially articulates in words the phenomena of interactions between entities.

The “ite” suffix, in a non chemical sense denotes an association or descendent from a system, be it place, tribe, or doctrine.

Wikipedia provides a similar definition: A socialite is a person who participates in social activities and spends a significant amount of time entertaining and being entertained at fashionable upper-class events (the Wikipedia page also has a disclaimer: “not to be confused with socialists”..call Kim a curvaceous hoe but for the love of god don’t be calling Kimmie a commie).

Again the definition provided is ambiguous, the confusion further compounded when exploring the lives of 21st century tarts and turds whose plastic boobs/enlarged penises and Botox filled faces have been brandished with this label (attached with a nail in case it slides off their friction defying Teflon faces).

Despite earning the ire of plebeians worldwide who continue to slave away for pittance (and of course the millions fighting against prejudice famine and disease for the very right to survive), the media saturation enjoyed by this elite group has inspired a new generation to aspire to the same opulent laden-bulimic fuelled heights. Such is the demand to become the next useless waif/wanker that wikihow has released a brief guide on how to achieve such infamy. The fundamental points are (as appearing on the website):

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites”.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school

Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company, make some business cards, and convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on.

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person,

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know.

Clearly being a socialite isn’t easy. Using the above guide as a template, it becomes clear that the integrity of two of the world’s most recognisable modern day socialites should not be questioned. Hidden Behind her gorgeous face, curvaceous figure and a sense of rhythm and melody that makes a dyslexic drunken bat sound like Beethoven, Kim Kardashian has managed to take these fundamental laws and using her intelligence, manipulate them to soar atop of the highest echelons of socialit..ti..dom (it’s not a word I know).

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites” – in Kim’s case, WHO you root is equally as important.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school – Kim’s father paid tuition fees of almost $25,600 per year for her to graduate from high school…fucking high school? Really?

Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow – convince your sisters to let their boobs hang out whilst strangers film your every move, including your step father who loves you and secretly fantasies about  MAKING love to you – simple.

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company make some business cards, convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on – or release a home video getting plowed by a tool that could plug the hole in the ozone layer (Keep them Rays out).  

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person – or pray half of you cums (ha) from Robert Kardashian, one of American’s best defence lawyers before his death in 2003, most famously known for saving “The Juice” from getting juiced inside a high security penitentiary.

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know – homework? Pay some Mexicans from across the border to do it for you whilst you pick grapes from the back of an African slave.

Next on the Socialite Wall of Shame is Paris Hilton, a woman who needs no introduction, but will get one because she is a twat. Although now a successful “business” women in her own right, Hilton will always be remembered as a bimbo yearning for anything but the Simple life.  Much like her (much hotter) comrade Kimmie the Commie, Paris has defied the laws of socialite-ism:

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites” – again, like Kim, Paris showed the world that it’s not only about where you come from, but who you are shagging that defines your standing within the socialite matrix.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school – Paris was expelled from High School aged 18 for violating school rules, specifically for using limos to “retrieve her from the school to take her to events in New York and New Jersey”. The force is strong in this one.  

 Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow – a job? say what now? I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company, make some business cards, convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on – again, release a home video of you getting rooted by some douche, whilst simultaneously whoring yourself out to anyone willing to pay millions to pedal their overpriced poison with your name adorned to the bottle/knife handle.

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person – or again pray that floating within the microscopic sperm of Conrad Hilton is your atomic sized brain (which will remain the same size for the rest of your life). 

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know – know when to ditch your panties for an ugly mutt.

In summation: look like a skank, act like a skank, be a skank, and film yourself..being a skank – Follow these simple steps and your well on your way to becoming immortalised alongside the likes of Kim and Paris on the Socialite Wall of Shame and dancing across the  Plank of Privileged Skank and Wank.  

Almost famous

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71 years ago in the Riverside-San Bernardino Metropolitan, a fast food outlet was opened  by two brothers keen on expediting the obesity crises in the land of opportunity. From its humble beginnings, McDonalds (along with Coca Cola) has become the greatest symbol capitalism and monopolisation, with 64 million zombies marching past the golden arches everyday, ignoring the stench of grease and lard to pay for a one way ticket to diabetes, heart disease, cancer and Ebola (you read it here first). 

The dismembering, decapitating and skinning of millions of innocent cows, chickens, fish and porcupine + forced uprooting of tonnes of vegetables (who find themselves sandwiched between a cows hide, a buffalos testicles and jizzed over with a generous serving of Ronald’s “special sauce”) to help complete the global takeover of an organisation fronted by a transfat fuelled ranga clown with paedophilic tendencies would seem absurd, bordering on genocidal, to our alien overlords.

Regardless, Ronald, Grimace, Hamburgular and the rest of the Happy Meal Gang have successfully hijacked and planted ticking time bombs within the organs of 4 generations of humanity. 

According to its 2010 Annual report, McDeath made $24billion dollars in revenue last year, a 6% increase attributable to civilisations celebration of escaping the GFC by instead jumping upon the Titanic that is the GOB (Global Obesity Crises), a threat to humanity that has been compared to the onset of global warming and Justin Bieber.

Last year , McDonalds used 4 million kgs of potatoes to satisfy demand for its French fries alone.

The drought sweeping the horn of Africa has crippled an entire continent – the hands of famine dangling 12 million people across Somalia, Kenya and Ethiopia precariously over the brink, ready to drop their emaciated bodies onto a pile of the dead whose suffering has served nothing more then billboards for world vision.

  •   12m severely affected by drought
  • 29,000 Somali children under five dead in last 90 days
  • 640,000 children acutely malnourished
  • 400,000 in world’s largest refugee camp, built for 90,000

The United Nations has put out a distress call to donor countries, requesting $2.4 billion in aid to help provide some sort of relief to a race, who by virtue of their birthplace, are destined to languish in hell for generations to come.

To date, it has received only $1.1 billion.

4 million kgs of potatoes to make $24 Billion from fat men, women and children

Vs

$2.4 Billion to save 12 million starving men, women and children.

McFuck.

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