On August 20th 2011, as Moammar Gadaffi clung desperately to his crumbling evil empire, the Syrian Government intensified its brutal crackdown on dissidence and millions of North Africans languished in one of the worst droughts in recent history, the eyes of the media were fixated on no less than 6 things of even greater significance to mankind: Socialite Kim Kardashian, her wedding dress, her D cups and a pair of gravity defying butt cheeks.

The rise of the 21st century socialite alludes to a troubling fact: we are a bunch of bored mothafuckers. From the glossy pages of fashion and gossip magazines to entertainment online and the occasional playboy cover, these faecal critters continue to pervade popular culture, the mass media, and ultimately, our lives – by feeding on our voyeuristic obsessions.

So what is a socialite? 

Lets break it down: “social – ite”

Wikipedia describes “social” as:  the interaction of organisms with other organisms and to their collective co-existence, irrespective of whether they are aware of it or not, and irrespective of whether the interaction is voluntary or involuntary.

To summarise, “social” essentially articulates in words the phenomena of interactions between entities.

The “ite” suffix, in a non chemical sense denotes an association or descendent from a system, be it place, tribe, or doctrine.

Wikipedia provides a similar definition: A socialite is a person who participates in social activities and spends a significant amount of time entertaining and being entertained at fashionable upper-class events (the Wikipedia page also has a disclaimer: “not to be confused with socialists”..call Kim a curvaceous hoe but for the love of god don’t be calling Kimmie a commie).

Again the definition provided is ambiguous, the confusion further compounded when exploring the lives of 21st century tarts and turds whose plastic boobs/enlarged penises and Botox filled faces have been brandished with this label (attached with a nail in case it slides off their friction defying Teflon faces).

Despite earning the ire of plebeians worldwide who continue to slave away for pittance (and of course the millions fighting against prejudice famine and disease for the very right to survive), the media saturation enjoyed by this elite group has inspired a new generation to aspire to the same opulent laden-bulimic fuelled heights. Such is the demand to become the next useless waif/wanker that wikihow has released a brief guide on how to achieve such infamy. The fundamental points are (as appearing on the website):

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites”.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school

Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company, make some business cards, and convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on.

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person,

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know.

Clearly being a socialite isn’t easy. Using the above guide as a template, it becomes clear that the integrity of two of the world’s most recognisable modern day socialites should not be questioned. Hidden Behind her gorgeous face, curvaceous figure and a sense of rhythm and melody that makes a dyslexic drunken bat sound like Beethoven, Kim Kardashian has managed to take these fundamental laws and using her intelligence, manipulate them to soar atop of the highest echelons of socialit..ti..dom (it’s not a word I know).

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites” – in Kim’s case, WHO you root is equally as important.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school – Kim’s father paid tuition fees of almost $25,600 per year for her to graduate from high school…fucking high school? Really?

Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow – convince your sisters to let their boobs hang out whilst strangers film your every move, including your step father who loves you and secretly fantasies about  MAKING love to you – simple.

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company make some business cards, convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on – or release a home video getting plowed by a tool that could plug the hole in the ozone layer (Keep them Rays out).  

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person – or pray half of you cums (ha) from Robert Kardashian, one of American’s best defence lawyers before his death in 2003, most famously known for saving “The Juice” from getting juiced inside a high security penitentiary.

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know – homework? Pay some Mexicans from across the border to do it for you whilst you pick grapes from the back of an African slave.

Next on the Socialite Wall of Shame is Paris Hilton, a woman who needs no introduction, but will get one because she is a twat. Although now a successful “business” women in her own right, Hilton will always be remembered as a bimbo yearning for anything but the Simple life.  Much like her (much hotter) comrade Kimmie the Commie, Paris has defied the laws of socialite-ism:

Create the suitable background for yourself – “Your roots are very important for other socialites” – again, like Kim, Paris showed the world that it’s not only about where you come from, but who you are shagging that defines your standing within the socialite matrix.

Get the right education. Preparation for becoming a socialite begins in middle school – Paris was expelled from High School aged 18 for violating school rules, specifically for using limos to “retrieve her from the school to take her to events in New York and New Jersey”. The force is strong in this one.  

 Get an extremely well-paying job. In theory, it is quite easy: establish a business and make it grow – a job? say what now? I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun

Learn how to promote yourself. Make a website for yourself or your company, make some business cards, convince some related brands to empower you, advertise yourself or your company in some newspapers or magazines and so on – again, release a home video of you getting rooted by some douche, whilst simultaneously whoring yourself out to anyone willing to pay millions to pedal their overpriced poison with your name adorned to the bottle/knife handle.

Find someone very rich to marry. Yes, you can become a socialite by marrying the right person – or again pray that floating within the microscopic sperm of Conrad Hilton is your atomic sized brain (which will remain the same size for the rest of your life). 

Do your homework. As a socialite, there are a few things you must (emphasize “must”) know – know when to ditch your panties for an ugly mutt.

In summation: look like a skank, act like a skank, be a skank, and film yourself..being a skank – Follow these simple steps and your well on your way to becoming immortalised alongside the likes of Kim and Paris on the Socialite Wall of Shame and dancing across the  Plank of Privileged Skank and Wank.  

Almost famous

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun

71 years ago in the Riverside-San Bernardino Metropolitan, a fast food outlet was opened  by two brothers keen on expediting the obesity crises in the land of opportunity. From its humble beginnings, McDonalds (along with Coca Cola) has become the greatest symbol capitalism and monopolisation, with 64 million zombies marching past the golden arches everyday, ignoring the stench of grease and lard to pay for a one way ticket to diabetes, heart disease, cancer and Ebola (you read it here first). 

The dismembering, decapitating and skinning of millions of innocent cows, chickens, fish and porcupine + forced uprooting of tonnes of vegetables (who find themselves sandwiched between a cows hide, a buffalos testicles and jizzed over with a generous serving of Ronald’s “special sauce”) to help complete the global takeover of an organisation fronted by a transfat fuelled ranga clown with paedophilic tendencies would seem absurd, bordering on genocidal, to our alien overlords.

Regardless, Ronald, Grimace, Hamburgular and the rest of the Happy Meal Gang have successfully hijacked and planted ticking time bombs within the organs of 4 generations of humanity. 

According to its 2010 Annual report, McDeath made $24billion dollars in revenue last year, a 6% increase attributable to civilisations celebration of escaping the GFC by instead jumping upon the Titanic that is the GOB (Global Obesity Crises), a threat to humanity that has been compared to the onset of global warming and Justin Bieber.

Last year , McDonalds used 4 million kgs of potatoes to satisfy demand for its French fries alone.

The drought sweeping the horn of Africa has crippled an entire continent – the hands of famine dangling 12 million people across Somalia, Kenya and Ethiopia precariously over the brink, ready to drop their emaciated bodies onto a pile of the dead whose suffering has served nothing more then billboards for world vision.

  •   12m severely affected by drought
  • 29,000 Somali children under five dead in last 90 days
  • 640,000 children acutely malnourished
  • 400,000 in world’s largest refugee camp, built for 90,000

The United Nations has put out a distress call to donor countries, requesting $2.4 billion in aid to help provide some sort of relief to a race, who by virtue of their birthplace, are destined to languish in hell for generations to come.

To date, it has received only $1.1 billion.

4 million kgs of potatoes to make $24 Billion from fat men, women and children

Vs

$2.4 Billion to save 12 million starving men, women and children.

McFuck.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The Imperils of Difference

This week, the paradox of reality will crystallise in the Island of Sri Lanka, rising above the fog of war to reveal two contrasting tales left behind in the aftermath.

On May 18th 2010, for the island’s majority Sinhalese community, a week of victory festivities will culminate in a swelling of unity and national pride, as Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse celebrates 1 year since crushing the Tamil Tigers and ending three decades of armed conflict.

For every victory party, there must be a losing side, and the juxtaposition between the Tamil and Sinhalese communities of Sri Lanka illustrates the grim reality of war: there can be only one winner.

Tamils across the world will travel down a very different path, one bathed by the shadows of sorrow and grief as they pay respects to an estimated 100,000 Tamil civilians killed in the bloodshed, almost 40,000 who perished in the final days of the war according to the United Nations.

The outbreak of civil unrest that paralysed the island for almost half a century stemmed from the systemic oppression of the islands minority Tamil community by successive administrations, dominated by the majority Sinhalese.

With the legitimate grievances of the islands Tamils largely ignored, a groundswell of support calling for self determination emerged, giving birth to the militant outfit the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, who, for over 30 years engaged in high intensify war fare with the Sri Lankan armed forces in their quest for an independent homeland in the North and Eastern provinces of the island.

Although the guns are silent, the Government’s insistence that the nation is now a unified melting pot of ethnic and cultural harmony, standing under one flag and one identity, remains questionable.

Amid a web of post-war idealism lies a continual underbelly of violence, corruption and prejudice feeding the current regime, the same bad eggs that unleashed a plague of civil war years ago.

That almost 90,0000 Tamil refugees, who by definition of the very word embody the ugly misfortunes of war, remain imprisoned in military camps according to the Internal Displacement Monitoring Centre (IDMC) isn’t a surprise to anyone with an iota of knowledge regarding the Sri Lankan establishment’s approach to internal affairs, no matter how inhumane or illegal.

That Sri Lanka remains one of the most dangerous countries for journalists in the world, fearful of the swift arm of sedition and censorship by a Government adamant on hiding the reality behind victory isn’t news to the families of dozens of news workers killed during the war and the aftermath.

It is the failing of international instruments of justice and democracy, bodies like the United Nations and the entire Western World, to decry the fact that an entire population languishes in incarceration based solely on their ethnicity and place of residence, or diagnose the symptoms of dictatorship illustrated by bouts of media suppression, that should raise the alarm of the conscious and socially aware.

Then again, to acknowledge and to act, once must be paying attention in the first place.

Nobel laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel popularised a phrase for the current global attitude towards Tamils in Sri Lanka in his landmark White House address in 1992, “The perils of Indifference”, i.e. when no one gives a damn.

“Indifference is not a beginning, it is an end. And, therefore, indifference is always the friend of the enemy, for it benefits the aggressor — never his victim, whose pain is magnified when he or she feels forgotten. The political prisoner in his cell, the hungry children, the homeless refugees — not to respond to their plight, not to relieve their solitude by offering them a spark of hope is to exile them from human memory. And in denying their humanity we betray our own.”

After being forsaken by the world for decades, their cries met with a deafening silence, anyone that survived the onslaught of war awoke to a world encaged in barbed wire and an international community singing the praises of their enslavers.

A year to the day and the lack of genuine interest towards Sri Lanka’s deteriorating social fabric continues to mask the stench of its decline into the pits of totalitarianism.

Global leaders refusing to acknowledge the ground realities and unable to accept their complicity in the genocide ease the burden of guilt by heralding the utopian ideals of “unity” and “reconciliation” they believe will sweep the island like a magic wand, turning streams of flesh and blood into rivers teeming with hope and virtue.

To think that time and empty condolences can heal the wounds of war, and erase the memories of sorrow and loss burned within the corneas of a generation of Tamils, many who have lost almost everything and everyone, merely reflects the inability of most of God’s creatures to fathom the magnitude of loss endured by those who now have nothing left.

For all the tragedy that indifference has bought upon the Tamil people of Sri Lanka, the policies of divide, of “us” and “them” that set the war machine in motion remains the most haunting.

To see the Australian Government in recent months adopt this xenophobic mindset by rejecting asylum claims of Tamil nationals  to stem the apparent “flood” of “boat people” only serves to illuminate the daunting reality faced by Sri Lanka’s victims of war:

Your incarceration is inevitable, be it as 2nd rate citizens at the hands of your vanquishers, or herded into offshore Australian detention facilities like sacrificial lambs for Kevin Rudd to appease the Gods in return for a popularity boost.

To have the audacity to console them with the argument that their very survival is a gift in itself is an insult, however for the thousands that remain incarcerated across the world, genuine refugees with unquestionable grievances; this fact may be the only “spark of hope” that remains for them, unless of course the Tamil Diaspora have anything to say about it.

The fighting formations of the Tamil Tigers may have been annihilated in the final days of the war, but the yearning for freedom and equality, which fostered a generation of militancy and fuelled its rise up the ladder of infamy, continues to consume the hearts and minds of the Diaspora.

When the Sri Lankan Government chose to forego its opportunity of a dignified victory by enslaving the vanquished, it succeeded only in opening up a new war front, different enemy, different theatre, same struggle.

On a day of reflection, the next generation of Tamils will light a candle in remembrance, their silhouettes stretched across landscapes a gentle reminder to the architects of their brethrens demise that the rumblings of agitation and desire for freedom remains steadfast, so to, their thirst for vengeance.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,